The Grieving Process
The Grieving Process
Every person is unique in the way he or she handles the loss of a loved one. While the grieving process is different for each of us, we all experience some common feelings as we work toward healing from our loss.
Begin To Make Arrangements
Once your loved one has been declared dead you and your family can proceed with making funeral arrangements. Your loved one may have pre-planned their services or shared their final wishes with you. The funeral home will contact you to set a time for funeral arrangements after your loved one is in their care.
During this time, if the deceased hasn’t made their final wishes known, the family will need to decide if they will bury or cremate the body, and what type of service should be held. These decisions include the time, date and location of any service; what type of casket or urn your loved one needs; drafting an obituary notice; deciding on pallbearers; and make any decisions about the specifics of the service, like who the minister will be, what music will be played, and who will speak.
As part of the process to begin making the funeral arrangements, if the deceased was active or retired military, locate his/her military discharge paperwork or record of separation (DD214) and bring this to the funeral arrangement. The funeral director will assist with military benefits, including burial flag, arranging military honors, national cemetery scheduling and ordering the VA marker.
Information Funeral Directors May Need
Once you have met the funeral director, they will advise you on any information or paperwork they need for the death certificate or to proceed with making final arrangements.
Information Required:
- Full name and address
- Marital status
- Race/Ethnicity
- Date and city of birth
- Highest level of education
- Father’s full name, Mother’s full maiden name
- Name of spouse
- Occupation and industry
Other Documents That May Be Helpful
- Life insurance policies and beneficiary designations
- Military discharge papers (form DD 214)
- Social Security Card
- Birth Certificate (to assist with place of birth and/or parents names)
Taking Care Of Personal Property
Following the death of your loved one, there are few things you need to attend to involving the deceased’s personal life. First, secure your loved one’s property. Make sure their home and vehicle are properly secure. If your loved one has a pet, make the necessary arrangements for the pet to be taken care of by family or friends. Any mail that comes to your loved one should be forwarded to a family member or friend handling the deceased’s estate. Any mail that piles up at a vacant home only alarms potential intruders that a home is empty. Make sure to contact the deceased’s boss and inform them of the death. If your loved one had any upcoming appointments, make contact to notify them about the death and to cancel the appointment.
The Beginning Of Grief
Our responses to the different feelings that occur during the grieving process are often described as “stages.” These stages are not tied down to “real time”, and people do not necessarily move in and out of the stages in an orderly, straightforward manner. Stages can last for minutes or hours.
At the beginning, you may feel a sense of detachment, shock, or numbness. You may even wonder why you are not more upset over your loss. This feeling of disconnection is a survival response. It is simply nature's way of helping you to continue to function on a basic level while under extreme stress. Denial is a tool that unconsciously enables you to do the things that are necessary to carry on with your life in the days immediately following your loss.
Anger provides a bridge of connection from the initial numbness of grief. You may find yourself angry at the doctors, your family, the loved one who died, or at God. Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Your anger is connected to your pain. The more you truly allow yourself to feel your anger alongside the pain, the more it will diminish, and the more you will heal.
Before and after a loss, you may feel like you would have done anything if only your loved one would be spared. “If only” and “what if” becomes a recurrent thought. Guilt often accompanies bargaining. You may wonder if you could have done anything differently so that your loved one might still be alive. You may try to second-guess the doctors and yourself. You may revert to living in the past to avoid the pain of the present.
After bargaining, feelings of emptiness and grief present themselves on a deeper level. This depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. When a loss fully settles in your soul, and you realize that your loved one is not coming back, feelings of deep sadness (depression) are normal. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be very unusual. Depression is a necessary step toward healing.
Eventually you come to terms with your bereavement as you move into the acceptance stage of grief. At this point, the loss has become part of your story and your history. It does not consume your life in the same way it did to begin with. With acceptance comes increased peace. As you move through this stage, you will find yourself once more interested in and able to enjoy some of the things that you formerly liked to do. You may develop new interests and relationships. You have learned to live with your loss in a way that is constructive and healing.
How Long Am I Going To Feel This Way?
Every person is different, and so is their grief. Each person will follow a different path toward healing. Although there is no right or wrong amount of time to complete the grieving process, many experts agree that it is not unusual to take at least a year to move through the grieving process.
Complicated Grief
The duration of the mourning process can also be influenced by your relationship to the deceased, the amount of support you receive, and other factors.
Sometimes the healing process may become disrupted or delayed if other events or traumatic losses have previously occurred in a person’s life. This may be especially true if the other loss is relatively recent, or has never been fully processed in and of itself. This grief experience is known as “complicated grief.” People who are dealing with this type of grief may benefit by working with professionals who are trained in dealing with complex grief issues.
If, after some time has passed, you find your grief is still persistent and disruptive to the point where it impacts your daily functions, please seek professional counseling.
